


i like that

by nothingbutregret



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss, Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Cloaca, Daddy Kink, Dirty Talk, M/M, Oral Sex, Sugar Daddy, Weird Biology, make your own choices, or Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:55:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21592657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingbutregret/pseuds/nothingbutregret
Summary: Blitzo is nothing if not resourceful.Okay so he has one solution, but fuck you, if it's not broken don't fix it.
Relationships: Blitzo/Stolas (Helluva Boss)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 666





	i like that

**Author's Note:**

> birds dont have dicks yall 
> 
> [recommended trashy listening](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGhQhiG8WZQ)

“Deep breath, okay.” 

Business is slow, but when the fuck isn't it, hell immemorial and all of that. And buisness has been slow for a while. Maybe that three hour long commercial block was a mistake after all- no- no- that's weak thinking. He's playing the long game, that's all. The long game. Why the banks don't appreciate his long game, he doesn't know. Nor does he want to know. What he does, unfortunately know, is that if he takes out another loan they're going to send head hunters after him. 

Literal head hunters. Just heads with guns. It's creepy, it's morally upsetting, and its totally avoidable. Because Blitzo is nothing if not resourceful. 

Okay so he has one solution, but fuck you if it's not broken don't fix it. 

The McMansion circle jerk summer house his solution lives in looms large enough to blot out the thirty suns constantly rotating over head and it sucks god okay, his plan fucking sucks. But he's a big boy, he's not Moxxie if he has to get his dick wet for the team so be it. 

He's a hero. 

An unsung hero of the modern age. 

Whatever age they're in. 

They'll sing songs about him choking on weird bird dick for centuries. True entrepreneurial spirit. Anything for the fam. 

Another deep breath, all the way down to his feet deep kind of breath. Man this sucks. So fucking much. 

Okay, Blitzo just, just think about Loona, think about Loona and suck it up. Be an adult. Be a business man. Be a hero. 

He rings the door bell and before he even has a chance to blink the door flies open and his “solution” is leaning in the door way. 

“Hi.” How do you make a two letter word that drawn out, what the fuck. “I've missed you.” 

“Yeah, uh.” He swallows. “Missed you too.” There's a claw in the front of his shirt and then he's being yanked inside the dark interior. Jesus who needs ceilings that big. Well- birds. Birds do. He's a genius in his free time. “How's the wife?” 

“Fucking the maids.” Stolas looms over him, and fuck when he's standing his full height he really is nightmarish. “It's so cute that you care.” His head is twisted full one eighty to stare at Blitz as he drags him through the foyer, feathers already puffing up around the neck. 

“Yeah.” He swallows on nothing again. That's so creepy. Everyone knows only creepy dolls and children's heads are supposed to do that. If Stolas starts projectile vomiting he's going to kill himself right there and then and no one could stop him. 

Prince of Hell his ass, he's just a rich horny creep. 

The feathers puff up more, and his coat shifts just a bit with them. 

“I'm not going to walk for a week.” 

His dick is going to fall off. 

“Yeah, super excited, hey listen so remember last time you said you'd uh, front a bill for me.” 

“Oh, money's no object Blitzy. Rail me so hard I go blind and you can have the fucking mansion. I don't use it nearly enough.” 

“Liquid assets are better.” 

“You could liquify my assets, baby.” 

Actually, cross that, he's going to projectile vomit first. 

But now they're in the bedroom and he's the one getting flung onto the bed. It's huge, worth more than his entire office, and company, and employee's internal organs. Combined. He's still dressed and- no hey, would you look at that, talons rip his suit off like its tissue paper and it's flung behind him. 

Did Stolas get taller, it feels like he got taller. The prince looms over him now, still in his stupid fake mink cape- wait shit is real- and then his beak is on Blitzo's mouth. He tastes like dead rats. Only marginally better than living rats, he guesses. 

Okay, game time, be hot, be hot, be hot, be hot, be hot for the love of all that is fucking awful in the world be hot. 

“I love your horns.” Stolas hisses, “they're so fucking cute they make my brain melt. Would you like that- I could make yours melt too.” 

Why does he have to make everything so hard all the time. Except for what's actually supposed to be getting hard. Christ alive. 

“I'd rather make you melt.” Cheap, easy, but Stolas trills right in his ears and Blitzo tries not to roll his eyes. 

“Bite me, fucking bite me, I want to feel your teeth, I love teeth-” So he does, snaps his mouth shut right over Stolas' throat and then there's another long trill, feathers prickling in his mouth. “Imp teeth are so fucking cute-” He bites hard because maybe it'll get him to shut up. “So dull, god I just want to pull them out- would yo-ah!” 

He pulls his mouth back and rips skin, hot and black drips over his chest just as Stolas starts grinding down on his knee. He spits the feathers out and coughs, some of the ichor splattering over Stolas' eyes that look so blown out Blitzo starts worrying on if he's having a seizure or an aneurysm or a heart attack or spontaneous combustion or whatever. 

“Do it again-” His voice is high pitched and the talons that were rubbing his horns are shaking, trembling. “Pleaseeeeeee.” 

He's so wet he's dripping through those ugly capris, so fuck it, sure. He sinks his teeth into his throat again, licks over the last wound and Stolas' mile long legs kick at the sheets. Blitzo can see the tears he leaves over his back. His tail is fanned out and low. 

He rips out something important because the ichor that flows out is basically a fountain, soaking into the sheets. 

“Guess I get you really wet.” 

“Yeah-shit- ” Stolas rubs his face against Blitzo's. “Funny and a big dick. Lucky me. Rip these off of me big boy.” 

He sighs, maybe its passable as a moan whatever, and rips at the fabric. Yeah okay so he doesn't have raptor talons, sue him, he gets them off eventually. 

“Christ, you got another fountain down here?” He really is dripping, wet between his thighs, wet Down his thighs too. 

“Want to drown?” And then a second later he's on his face. 

He completely forgot how weird Stolas' junk was. Like yeah, conceptually he knew he has some weird bird shit going on, but now its on his mouth and his brain kind of shuts off because the warning bells, they are a-blaring. 

But whatever, his tongue is long and he doesn't taste that bad. The worst part of eating him out, aside from his weird dick is the fact that he got so horny his thighs got wet and how his wet feathers are squeezing the sides of his head. He mumbles something, a complaint probably, but the vibrations are clearly doing a lot because Stolas' hips are jolting back and forth, grinding down on his face even harder. 

His actual dick finally unsheathes, prodding at his lips before he lets it into his mouth. Blitzo closes his mouth and just goes to town. Eating pussy and dick at the same time is- It's an experience at least. How many fucking jack-offs could say they had a crown prince of hell gag them- actually probably a lot Stolas is a slut. Like, a needy and particular slut but still a slut. 

And his dick isn't that big. 

It's pointy and curvy and prods at the roof of his mouth and makes the whole sucking thing really hard to do when his dick is trying to stab him. It's not actually hard but if he jolts his hips in the right way, Blitzo is sure he'll gag on it. 

Speaking of creepy degenerate, Stolas is too busy to pay attention to any complains he might have because the prince is rubbing on his horns real hard. That's not- that's not anything. 

Like seriously. It's tantamount to rubbing on a dude's skull- what is that supposed to- 

Okay, maybe at the base is nice. Fine. He's got no backbone to speak of, if its nice it's nice. 

No wonder Moxxie is always giving Millie head messages- wait they do that shit at work- should he be mad- he really don't feel mad at that. Hm- honestly kind of hot. He's sitting with it, he's thinking about it, not mad. They're just so cute together and now he knows they're kinky too? Dream come true. Why can't he find anyone to do that with? 

Ugh. 

Uh-

“Uh-” Stolas stopped moving at some point, just staring down at him, eyes blown wide again. “You die?” 

“Me?” He laughs, high pitched and breathy. “You're the bitch crying. And your dicks not even in me yet.” 

“I'm not crying.” He reaches up to rub at his eyes. Whatever. “I'm drowning in your jizz, you think I put on goggles before hand?” 

“Sure, sweetheart. Whatever you say. I'm touched really. Love bringing boys to tears. And girls. Anyone, really. Tears are such a massive turn on. But you know what's even better, Blitzy?” 

“Screaming?” 

“You really do know me so well. If I wasn't already married-' And then with no preamble he just drops straight onto his dick. 

They're both yelling- for different reasons probably. Blitzo's entire chest is spewing red where Stolas' talons racked down. Stolas, probably because his pussy isn't that deep and completely true and deserved compliments aside, his dick is big. 

They sit still for a second, until the wounds on his chest reseal.

God, his cunt is hot. It's tight and hot and definitely feels like he shouldn't be sticking a dick up there but. Whatever. It's Stolas' funeral. It grips him just as hard as the rest of the person it's attached to does, his dick is in a complete vice grip and he's fucking stuck here. And so is Stolas apparently, because all he gets when he tries to move is a high pitched whine. 

Yeah, he's not going to walk for a week because he'll dislocate his entire pelvis. 

Which, you know, hot in a fucked up kind of way. 

“You split me open so fucking good- shit-” 

“So like what the fuck does your wife do to you?” 

“Oh baby, we fucked once on the wedding day and moved on. Her dick is nice but not comparable to you handsome, don't get jealous, unless you want a three way in which case-” 

“I'm good.” 

“You sure?” His talons rub along his horns again, the back of a finger rubbing along the base in a way that made Blitzo's tail curl. 

“Extremely.” 

“Boo.” Stolas gives an experimental wiggle, the heat where the both of them met was like a roiling inferno and he would know, considering he was in one like every two days. “Spoil sport.” 

“Sorry I'm not a slut like you.” Stolas trills, preening. 

“Right, cause you're lonely.” He draws the word out. “But enough about you. Tell me how much fo a whore I am.” 

“How much of a whore you are for Imp dick?” A gasp. So predictable. “Don't even need a billboard to advertise it, the entire fucking city knows you're slag.” 

“Yes-” 

“That you're drooling for my cock 24/7.” Do birds drool? Has he ever drooled? It feels tonally appropriate but does he actually do it? Hm. That would require remembering the last time he slept with him and he would really rather not. 

“God, yes-” 

“A cheap hooker who wants to-” What is he talking about uh- uh- uh- what are creeps into- what are creeps and birds into- “knocked up?” Sure. “Lay my fucking eggs?” 

“Fuck-” Stolas is bouncing in earnest now, riding him pretty hard, talons gripping his hips hard enough that the claws dig a few inches into the meat on him. “Want me to be a daddy, daddy?” 

Okay... okay- yeah sure. 

He's. 

He's into that too. 

Sure. 

Day of discovery. 

“Bitch like you couldn't raise anything. You're only good for popping them out.” 

“Ugh, yes.” 

“Would it even look like- I mean I'm going to fill you up with so much jizz maybe everyone will think you laid an Imp.” 

“As long as it has your teeth- shit- shit- shit-” Blitzo fucks up into him, hips pistoning at this point. Come- come faster- he's running out of weird dirty talk. “Fuck me harder daddy-” 

How much harder?! His dick really is going to fall off. 

He digs his own nails into Stolas' hips and with a grunt flips them over, and slams home. He sticks one hand between them, getting the palm wet and then coiling his fingers around Stolas' dick, giving him a few sharp tugs.

He can hear Stolas' legs kicking again, bucking against him. He's fucking him so hard the bed is literally slamming against the wall with every pass like some five cent porno from the 80s. 

“Fuck daddy- fuck me daddy- shit- shit- yell-” He's gasping. “yell-” His talons try and grip at his shoulders but his arms are so shaky that he just rakes them down the front of Blitzo's chest. 

He does, by the way, yell. 

Fucking birds, man. 

Stolas' pussy grips him even harder, the prince shuddering under him and he finally squirts all over him. Because of course Stolas does. But shit if he's cunt doesn't feel nice. He comes too, not bothering to pull out and then Stolas is moaning all over again. 

“Fucking paint me daddy.” 

Kind of pushing the limits of hot that stupid fetish could be, but whatever. 

Money. Focus on the money. It's basically in his bank account already. 

At some point Stolas lets him go and Blitzo falls face first onto the bed. The prince is already passed out, snoring and making grabby motions but that's a him problem. 

Where the fuck does he keep his bank details?

**Author's Note:**

> comments very appreciated


End file.
